Want Success? Find the right life partner.

 

“The most important career decision that a woman makes is whether she will have a life partner and who that partner is.”

 

–Sheryl Sandberg—author of Lean In

 

We have to talk about love and finances.

But first, I have a disclaimer.

I have to point out the elephant in the room. Being completely logical and dispassionate about this subject feels a little like shooting the Easter Bunny. Everyone wants to believe in romantic love, hearts and flowers, blissful walks along the beach and amore—including me. There is nothing wrong with that, but it turns out that other less obvious patterns and behaviors play a major role in building a couple’s financial (and emotional) strength too. So don’t blame me. It is those cold, calculating steely-eyed researchers who are at fault for pointing this out. I am just the messenger.

It turns out that it is really hard to divorce (no pun intended) money and financial success from relationship dynamics. In fact, an exhaustive survey was performed by Money Magazine in 2014 of married adults ages 25 and over with household incomes above $50,000. The conclusion: couples argued about money more than anything else, including sex. So, for those who look at budgets, personal cash flow and profit and loss statements as being as exciting and passionate as a mashed potato sandwich, please read on. Divorce and conflict are exciting too, but most people do not want them.

There are some strong financial reasons to make relationships work, not just emotional ones. According to one study completed by Zagorsky in 2005, being and staying married increases a couple’s net worth by 77 percent. Therefore it is no surprise that 86% of millionaire tax returns were married couples according to the Tax Foundation.

As I review the following list of good skills and behaviors that life partners bring to a relationship, most of these items seem blindingly obvious. Still, love conquers all, including common sense most of the time. If any of the characteristics of financially successful couples listed below seem foreign to you, it may be time to make some changes or have an honest talk.

The existing research tells you that someone who has the following qualities and attitudes is likely to succeed financially. They:

1.  Realize that a partnership is worthwhile. Two can accomplish more than one. That is true in personal relationships—but it is also true when looking at hard financial realities too. Not only does the ability to pool joint financial resources tend to compound money over time, but the ability to have two people work together on a common goal tends to be a better way to do things.
2. Bring optimism and a positive attitude. Again, why would anyone want to maintain a relationship with a negative person? Who knows? And yet it happens. However, financially successful people tend to stay away from these sort of individuals and relationships, according to research done by Thomas Corley in his book, Change Your Habits, Change Your Life. Negativity is not only unpleasant; it can be an excuse for never accomplishing anything.
3. Bring value to the relationship—usually this in the form of another income, but often is related to skills such as high education levels, hard work, and The majority of millionaire couples earn two incomes according to a study by the Spectrem Group in 2015. And, take a look at the next item: they tend to cooperate too.
4. Value a cooperative open financial decision-making process. Successful couples tend to plan their finances together—58%, according to the same source. The opposite is true too. In fact, the lack of cooperation and honesty is a huge red flag for relationships. How many times have you heard of people who discover about secret bank accounts, debts and liens of potential partners’ midway through the wooing process, or even after marriage? That basic lack of honesty does not bode well for the future, or for any relationship. The number one predictor of marital breakup is what scientists call contempt. This behavior can take the form of one partner excluding the other from important decisions, or being completely dismissive of their competence and opinions. According to a study completed by Professors Gottman and Levenson in 2002, that behavior is predictive of divorce 93% of the time.
5. Value the skills of your spouse or significant other and be honest about what your respective strengths and weaknesses are. This last point is not based on any research, just my observation. My spouse and I feel that between us we have one functioning brain. That is ok. One is better than none. Neither of us overestimates what our skills are. We do the things we are best at, cooperate, and share the rest of the work.

So, to summarize, the qualities described are wonderful: who would not want to be with someone cooperative, hard-working, positive and honest?

Still, these qualities sound a little like something described in a job announcement, not a romance. And, maybe when considering a life partner, we NEED a kind of job announcement—one to post on relationship websites. To an eerie degree, many financially successful entrepreneurs describe their spouses’ characteristics the way they are listed above.

But maybe the entrepreneurs among us are asking something that the rest of us don’t: would we want a want a deep personal relationship with someone with whom we hate to work?

Charlie Munger is more direct. He feels that if you want to get a good spouse, you have to be a good potential spouse.

SUMMARY:

1. Who you marry is the most important decision you can make according to Warren Buffett, Sheryl Sandberg, and others.
2. A life partner has a lot to do with financial success; be certain you are on the same page regarding your finances and relationship.
3. A partner who makes a lot of money is helpful. However, finding someone who is cooperative, positive and honest more likely to be important in the long run.
4. If you would hate to be in the same work environment with someone, are you sure they are a fit as a life partner?

ACTION STEPS:

1. Discuss mutual financial goals with a prospective or actual life partner. Make sure you agree.
2. Make certain that both partners are diligent in pursuing your mutual goals. If you falter, discuss why.
3. Work together, cooperatively. If you have different strengths, use them to your mutual advantage.

 

Disclaimer: consult with a financial professional before taking any steps outlined here. Not all advice is suitable for your circumstances or investment style.