A wife’s call to her senior citizen husband in his car:
“Albert, be careful,” she warned, “I just heard on the radio that there’s a car going the wrong way down the interstate.
Mabel, they don’t know the half of it,” replied Albert. “It’s not just one car, there are hundreds of them.”
–Berkshire Hathaway shareholder letter 2011
I hate cleaning up messes.
But what if, like Albert, your senior citizen parents make the mess? And what if they are old and ill, unable to deal with life (like driving the wrong direction)–and it is not their fault? Or even, what if they have passed on by the time it is time to clean up, and you did not know a mess was coming?
In that case, you do the best you can.
So, I am posting about what I have learned about the process since my sister and I inherited my Mom’s property. We will talk about that process and, more importantly, how you can avoid leaving a mess for yourself, your kids, or your heirs.
Some of the things I have learned have made me happier, too.
MY STORY
I inherited a property that my parents lived in for over 50 years.
Now, it is essential to realize that my parents were the children of the Great Depression. And they realized that being financially organized was critical to building wealth. For that, I am ever grateful.
However, there was an unexpected downside to my parents growing up deprived. They remembered their own child labor, growing their own food, wearing cardboard shoes, and wondering if they would have enough to eat for dinner. That, in turn, meant they threw out very few things. Possessions, any possessions, were valuable.
The habit of keeping things made sense given their history. Some of the items they collected, such as excess plastic containers and hundreds of canning jars, could be useful. You just don’t need 600 of each. So, we had to deal with that and are dealing with it.
And a mania for acquiring things went along with it. Because you never knew when you might need one, Depression-era parents had an ingrained habit of keeping extras on hand, especially if it was cheap to get one. If you could pick up a 1956 Studebaker carburetor for a few bucks, you would store it. You never knew when you might need one. That was considered self-sufficiency.
And many other items, such as old journals and ancient records, were kept, and a few were thrown out. Again, that is understandable. I don’t know about you, but sometimes, on some types of records, things that seem insignificant turn out to be important, and you hate to get rid of them. That happens with more frequency the older I get.
We also found that various photos, journals, and records were jumbled together in unorganized boxes. We had to go through each box. And sometimes, valuable and sentimental things were in there, too, which meant you had to be careful as you looked at each one. There were dozens, maybe hundreds, of boxes.
So, my parents’ passion for organization extended to financial and medical records, but not much else. That was a challenge.
Perhaps the most challenging task was being reminded constantly that your loved ones are gone. Each disposal seems like a betrayal, no matter how justified it is. I am still not quite over that.
What follows is what I have learned so far. I hope it helps you.
TIP 1: LEAVE A FINANCIAL ROADMAP FOR YOUR HEIRS AND FAMILY MEMBERS FOR INHERITANCE
Mom put together a valuable financial document that really helped me. I referred to it constantly. And she wrote it out with a ballpoint pen—it was essential to keep the information private if her computer was hacked.
It is a kind of master list of all the critical financial information, and it has the following items:
- Safety deposit information
- Insurance policy information, car, home, etc, with numbers and contact information
- Investments, with account information
- Bank accounts
- Location of burial site
- Contacts for legal counsel
- Credit card information
- Information about auto payments
- Passwords
- Social security information
- Mortgage information
- Accountant information
- Family information—parents, kids, grandkids, with social security numbers
- Any advance directives, or where to find them.
I also found it helpful to have a copy of a trust/will and the death certificates.
The point is, even if you don’t use this system, make sure you leave a roadmap. Here is one example of a sound system. I think my Mom may have used it.
I have already started my own.
TIP 2: HOW TO DEAL WITH CLUTTER AND MESS
First, understand that the most valuable things you will inherit are usually not jewelry or works of art. It is memories. Things that have little value for anyone else might be the most important to you and trigger your memory. For instance, I never did find a family bible that was my dad’s, and I am sad about it.
You may find yourself in a similar situation.
At the other end of the spectrum are the valuable physical objects, jewelry, and paintings. Usually, everyone wants those, and getting rid of them is easy.
The remaining items in the “middle” of those extremes often cause problems and contribute to the clutter and mess you subsequently must deal with. In our case, there was a lot.
And my natural inclination is to keep everything was a bad idea.
There are many methods for dealing with this issue—deciding what to keep, what to save, what to throw out, etc. For instance, Marie Kondo made a career out of decluttering.
However, we finally used the “poop decluttering method”. And the fundamental question you ask yourself is, if this were covered in poop, would I keep it?
Ok, it was helpful, but it does not conjure up attractive images.
Nonetheless, it is an effective way to decide how to fill up the dumpster and separate what is essential and what is not. See here for a better explanation.
TIP 3: DON’T LEAVE AN INHERITANCE MESS FOR YOUR OWN KIDS AND HEIRS
One of the first things I did after one trip to the old house was to start throwing things out of my own home. Most were junk, and I don’t want my kids to have to clean them up.
There is something very calming about getting rid of clutter and mess. Your kids may not get the chance to thank you, but they will be thankful.
You might also get a more restful and uncluttered life.
TIP 4: INTERVENE EARLY ON BEHALF OF HEIRS
It is always best to talk openly with parents and others about their issues when they are alive.
And, hard as it is, talk to your own kids and heirs now about your wishes and get your house in order too.
There are two points of discussion and action:
- Organization—whether you are inheriting or want to leave something to someone, is best when you have an organized record up front. It is tough enough on heirs without making the search for basic documents difficult.
- Inherited items — I had one relative tape the name of the person she wanted to inherit on physical objects—inside vases, underneath statues, etc. While that is a bit macabre, making a list of items to be given to various heirs and leaving it with a lawyer makes perfect sense.
TIP 5: BE ORGANIZED AND FAIR DURING THE INHERITANCE ALLOCATION PROCESS
Everyone has an inheritance nightmare story. Here is one way I found to reduce the chances of friction.
- Keep all the heirs informed. No one wants to feel left out or uninformed about the process.
- Provide regular, accurate updates. I include the latest financials in the weekly update emails and let each heir know where we are in the process.
- Be gracious and not grasping—if there are many heirs, your patience may be tested. The more heirs there are, the more complicated it is, and the more personalities may clash.
- If there are disagreements over physical objects, then take turns. If you cannot agree on how to take turns, draw numbers out of a hat
- Insist politely on parity.
TIP 6: GET THE PROFESSIONALS INVOLVED IN THE INHERITANCE PROCESS WHEN YOU NEED TO
One of the most intelligent people I know, a former college professor, has found that handling estate matters is often overwhelming. If it is hard for him, you can imagine how it is for lesser mortals like me. So, we hired someone to oversee the process.
So, don’t be afraid to get legal, accounting, or organizing help as you deal with the avalanche of legal and logistical requirements. The legal process looks logical, but for the uninitiated, it is not.
TIP 7: REMAIN FLEXIBLE: YOU MAY LEARN THINGS OVER TIME, NOT ALL AT ONCE
This is a process. Over time, you may learn about different assets, debts, or physical possessions, etc., just not all at once. When that happens, stay flexible and share information.
TIP 8: COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS:
It is very sad to confront the death of a loved one. One way to stay balanced in grief is to make sure you count your blessings: family, health, faith, etc. However, you will be reminded of loss throughout this process.
TIP 9: REMEMBER BALANCE
I have seen families torn apart by the inheritance process. The process should be about dividing assets equitably and sharing memories. Instead, it sometimes descends into battles for control and expressions of greed.
Remember, you can get more money, but you cannot replace your family. And you cannot buy family relationship repair. None of this means you should be a pushover, but try to maintain balance.
It is not always easy.
Disclaimer: Consult with a financial fiduciary before taking any steps outlined here. Not all advice may be suitable for your circumstances or investment style.
Image: Piret-ilver
License: Unsplash